Chicagoan Chuckler Pillows

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

People on the train reading each other's books - only it's the same as their own.

"We’re having privacy concerns with your omniscience."

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

Man sees line of priests entering Mass Transit Authority.

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

'Sorry kid, but rules are rules!'

Amen Corner: 'I say 'Aeemeen'...'Aeeemeeen'...'Aeeeeeemeeen'.'

'Get with it, buddy -- that mile of highway you adopted has snow all over it!'

"Goddam Dogs."

"Pandemic! That's a pretty name."

"Mom, are we vegetarians for ethical or religious reasons?"

Fisherman buying fish on the way home...!

"I keep forgetting. When do I cluck and when do I double-cluck?"

'Bless you!'

'Time's up, chuckles.'

Man tries to shake clinging dog off his leg. Dog says to another dog: 'I suppose you could say I'm a people person.'

All Day Parking $1. Leave keys. It may be necessary to move your car to a more convenient spot.

J-J-JOE'S B-B-BAR, 'Actually, Joe's done pretty well for a guy with a speech impediment.'

"I've found it the easiest way to administer nose drops!"

"I'm not on the train today dear, I've got flu."