Celebrity Chuckler Gifts

'I call my car 'Bonnie Tyler'. . . Nah - it keeps making funny rasping noises and is getting on a bit.'

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

'You will now be presented with your degrees. That is, of course, after you jump through another one of our little hoops.'

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

'It's another squirrel - from the park. I warned you not to start feeding them.'

'They're pinching my toes!'

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

'I worked briefly in a Fine-China shop, but it didn't work out...'

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

The Big Four debate banking ethics

"Isn't this just a repeat of his 1332 Christmas special."

Jesus Seals the Hick...

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

"I keep forgetting. When do I cluck and when do I double-cluck?"

"Well, I thought installing a kitchen faucet without having to call the plumber was a pretty good 'praise'."

'Get with it, buddy -- that mile of highway you adopted has snow all over it!'

Fisherman buying fish on the way home...!

"Pandemic! That's a pretty name."

Oh, those are just photos of my first 1,000 kids – I haven't shown you the second 1,000 yet.

"That's where I do 'my business'."

Re-explore familiar surroundings. You may come across some fresh, new surprises!

'Bless you!'

'Time's up, chuckles.'

"I keep getting into a flap."

Man tries to shake clinging dog off his leg. Dog says to another dog: 'I suppose you could say I'm a people person.'

Yoga - moooooooo.

J-J-JOE'S B-B-BAR, 'Actually, Joe's done pretty well for a guy with a speech impediment.'

'Well, Phil, now do you know what recoil means?'

An idle lap is the devil's workbench.