Quizzical Quipper T-Shirts

Death Watch

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

"Daddy, why do people pull round pizza from square boxes and cut them into triangles before they eat them?"

'If it 'tells' the time, why do I have to look at it?'

'Is the water cold?'

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

Ostrich Curoisities

'My dentist recommended it.'

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

Expressions of mystery.

'What a gyp! Yesterday, after I got fixed, I put my testicles under my pillow, and all I got was a quarter!'

Official Seal

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

Yeah, I'm standing here alone yelling a bunch of nonsense. If I had a cell phone, you wouldn't bother me!

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

'I like it.'

'A shocking report shows more marriages are ending in divorce than decapitation. Could this be the end of traditional marriage, as we know it? More on that. . .after the break!'

The refinancing didn't come through -- I say we just walk away from the project.

"You're not supposed to answer her when she talks to us."

'I hope he didn't write the menu.' (Pub quizzers comment on poor grammar)

'Am I covered if a car falls on my tree?'

The Phenomenon of Absolute Power, Expressed as a Geometric Curve.

"Do you think it's an accident of history that Freemasons live in houses and we live in trees?"

"Larry, did you water the plant?"

Ask Sadie. Actual questions from actual readers! Celestial Sadie, In the Western sky after sunset, Jupitor can be seen nearly aligned with Venus. What do you make of this? R. Yates. Excellent question. That reminds me of a long lost civilization, in which there was no such thing as a typo. Where no one ever hit the wrong key because they wrote letters by hand. Eventually, it became so obsessed with speed that it began typing everything, and so inconsiderate that it soon stopped bothering to proo

Over. Under. Sideways. Kid.

'Somebody spiked the punch!'

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

Frequently Asked Questions