Quirky Habit Chronicler Pillows

Designated Smoking Area - Please do not tap on glass

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

Weird things I do because of the internet

"We have to stop meeting like this – people are starting to talk ‘psychiatric ward.’"

'Knock it off, Gus! This is tough enough without your yodeling!'

'I'm doing like you said and not drinking straight from the carton.'

"I knew there was something wrong when he stopped reading the obituaries."

'It's my own fault, I encouraged him to give up cigarettes in favour of a pipe. It was while we were on holiday in the Swiss Alps!'

"Ok Mr Rogers, that's enough bubblewrap."

"Are you aware of how many times you say 'oink' when you talk?"

"You know that thing where you stand like a statue, then move real fast, then stand like a statue again? You totally stole that from me."

"I'm concerned... She didn't do her usual stretch-bark-rub-her-face-across-the-carpet thing after kibble."

"I hope you don't mind, I can't sleep without them."

Advantages of being bald # 1 - Freshly Squeezed Grapefruit Juice

'I've decided to narrate my own like in the third person today', he said - 'Oh, God. Not this again', she uttered plaintively. - 'Shut. Up.', she bellowed threatiningly at the fleeing man.

"You still haven't told me why your last girlfriend dumped you"

'You mean a vegan isn't the same thing as a witch?'

"He's stopped that annoying knuckle cracking, but now he's smuggling in bubble wrap."

"There's the UPS truck, but that's not Justin. What's going on?! Where the #@*! is Justin?!"

I started biting my lip...and look where that got me!

"Here comes crazy old cousin Harriett, who scratches in all the wrong spots."

Drying your hands on trousers.

Post-Modern Parenting

"Do you use a striped toothpaste...?"

Pick your own.

Naked bowling in the living room

'Cats are creatures of habit.'

'Oscar! You just have to get closer to your spittoon!'

"I suppose marriage would temper my penchant for pole dancing."

'The water shortage began it - Then somehow, the habit of sharing-a-bath stuck...'

Part bum, part gigolo.

"Sweetie, you know I can’t sleep without mariachi noise."