Quirky Dads Pillows

'He's quite the hands-on daddy...in his way.'

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

"Where's your nose?"

How witness protection really works...

'Oh God I hope that bunch of rednecks aren't waving at me!'

"Dad, can we please just buy a week wacker?"

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

'More toys! The way you kids spend, you must think bananas grow on trees.'

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

"My fella was chucked out of the water-birth for running around the pool and bombing."

To prevent Christmas git opening from being over in a flash, the Wagner kids were required to use only their feet.

'...and please God, protect the social security fund for another sixty years.'

You and your alternative pregnancy.

'Monster mobiles.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

'Good one Dad. Imagine your catch if you had bought us REAl fishing gear.'

'It never fails. Two pizzas exhaust Dad as much as a 10 mile run exhausts me.'

'What do you say we become vegetarians?'

"I'll explain later."

Add your kids' ages together...

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'

Boho Bribes

'Hello? Animal control?'

"Have you seen his sippy skull?"

'Don't take it too hard, Dad, Mr. Hodes down the street is just having a great year.'

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'

'Yeah, my Mum is a clean-freak too: I have to wash my food before I eat it...'

'Let's hit the road, son! We are Baby Bjorn to be wild!'

'for the record, it tasted like black licorice.'

'You were right, Dad. It started to bounce on the third or fourth step.'