Funny Fathers Pillows

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

"I want to dispel the rumor that this redistricting map was drawn by my toddler on an Etch-A-Sketch. . .I'd never met that toddler before."

'Are we there yet?'

'Oh dear. He's got my eyes.'

"I'll bet she was worn out by the end of teacher's meeting day."

How witness protection really works...

'Now listen: The big hairy ones are the hunters, while the smaller ones with long hair are the gatherers...'

Fat Kid 14- Gets re-animated

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

'Oh Darling look. He's got your colour boogies!'

'More toys! The way you kids spend, you must think bananas grow on trees.'

'Dad, are you sure this is building the right muscles for football?'

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

'Dad, how come we never see and of them in flight?'

'Good one Dad. Imagine your catch if you had bought us REAl fishing gear.'

'Man pushing pram with baby.'

'It never fails. Two pizzas exhaust Dad as much as a 10 mile run exhausts me.'

Add your kids' ages together...

'Can you do the dishes, love. I'll do the school run.'

"When I said you could use other materials with the sand, I was thinking shells and driftwood."

'If you haven't been taking your vitamins. What have you been doing with them?'

Little known fact #244: Cholera was not the #1 cause of death for children on the Oregon Trail

Oh, Wow! With all this baby food flying around, I can't wait until he starts eating steak!!!

'Don't take it too hard, Dad, Mr. Hodes down the street is just having a great year.'

'Let's hit the road, son! We are Baby Bjorn to be wild!'

'I took her to register in kindergarten, and they wanted a damage deposit.'

'Look, he's taking his first steps.'

'Enough, George... I let you get the stupid pool. I'm not going to cut your dinner into little pieces and dump it in.'

'I'm banking on celebrating Father's Day this year!'

'It doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl as long as it'll make enough money for a good retirement home for us!'

"They'll come home. They're microchipped."

'Nothing but veggies...we gotta learn to read.'

Men Parenting

Do Not Disturb