Funny Father Moments Pillows

"No, son, a tax shelter is not where you go to rescue an accountant."

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

"Have you met my bodyguard?"

'Now listen: The big hairy ones are the hunters, while the smaller ones with long hair are the gatherers...'

"Sure was a lot of screaming for the happiest day of your life."

How witness protection really works...

"Two boys from legal to see you."

'Oh Darling look. He's got your colour boogies!'

'Dad, how come we never see and of them in flight?'

'...you'd better get yourself a good lawyer!'

"I don't think the crackling sound coming from your lower back is as serious as you thought. Just relax and I'll have this Rice Krispie Square out of your back pocket in no time."

'Daddy yells, 'I GOT IT I GOT IT' You should have seen how high the ball bounced off Daddy's head'

"Being a parent is like being in prison. . . except we don't get the hour of exercise."

'The brown one that smells like an old man.'

'Are you sure you didn't swallow your cell phone? I keep getting a dial tone.'

"Have you seen my wife?"

'Good one Dad. Imagine your catch if you had bought us REAl fishing gear.'

'Golf is Life (his).'

'It never fails. Two pizzas exhaust Dad as much as a 10 mile run exhausts me.'

'Let's hit the road, son! We are Baby Bjorn to be wild!'

'Don't take it too hard, Dad, Mr. Hodes down the street is just having a great year.'

"Look. He's just created his first text output object."

"It's too hot to strive for autonomy."

"Here's 15 cents. I assume you'll go into debt one day putting me through college, so this will take some of the guilt off my conscience."

'I'm banking on celebrating Father's Day this year!'

"As weed-whackers go, it's a little quiet for my taste."

'I have a two-year old - please don't make me work from home.'

Men Parenting

"And I thought changing the twins was going to be difficult!"

'Make it easy on yourself, Dad- Just lend me your ATM card.'

"Listen, kid...I'm doing you a favor... Don't call here again for at least another 10 years."

'These are the last of the pull-ups, so no on have a taxi-dent, OK?'