Awkward Dads Pillows

"Your mother tells me she caught you paying for porn and I'm very disappointed in you. . ."

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

"Isn't he the spitting image of his Dad?"

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

Complete the jigsaw puzzle of your life

'Mind how you cross the ocean.'

"We both see Ben as this summer's breakout child."

Toys in the DVD Player.

Baby has used blocks to spell out 'SO VERY BORED'.

'We're the parents. What we say goes. . . In one ear and out the other.'

"Where's your nose?"

"When Ed suggested 5 potato, 6 potato, 7 potato more, I suggested a vasectomy."

"A man never stands so tall, son, as when he stoops to pick up a quarter."

Businessman with briefcase pushes stroller with baby and its briefcase.

How witness protection really works...

It's a letter from Tim. He claims his grades are improving and he might even make the DEEN's list.

This is Twig's scene. Get ready! That's her! Where? There! Too late. Nice shot of Jessie Caldwell. Wasn't she fabulous.

"It's difficult to attract a younger customer when our main demographic is babies."

"And this is our son Danny's room. Danny is being raised by wolves."

"We'd love to come, but we can't seem to find a sitter."

"Dad, can we please just buy a week wacker?"

Penguin kid to parents: 'Big deal! You're grounding me!'

'He's not my Daddy: He's my great great grandfather...'

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

"I thought we agreed that the dining room was a buffer zone."

'Still having trouble finding day care?'

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

"How do you expect him to grow up to be a pro if he doesn't start young?"

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"My wife is about to have a baby, so I was wondering if you could make me work late for the next eighteen years or so."

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

'...and please God, protect the social security fund for another sixty years.'