Quirky Dad Pillows

'My son has a science fair coming up and he was wondering if you wouldn't mind putting some unpopped popcorn in your mouth.'

"Dad, can we please just buy a week wacker?"

"But don't let my wacky tie fool you. We actually take business very seriously around here."

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

"They followed me home from school - can I keep 'em?"

'I think I've isolated that funny noise you've been having.'

"Can you believe he was the last dog at the shelter?"

"Where's your nose?"

How witness protection really works...

'Oh God I hope that bunch of rednecks aren't waving at me!'

'Don't be surprised if he throws that life preserver at you. I got him at a rescue shelter.'

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

"Mum can you come home quick, dad's started to make an exhibition of himself again!"

'I'm glad you're getting so into science, son, but you'll have to ask your teacher about this... jjunnetics thing.'

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

The Cricketer and the Golfer

A baby being christened in a scuba mask.

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

"My fella was chucked out of the water-birth for running around the pool and bombing."

'...and please God, protect the social security fund for another sixty years.'

You and your alternative pregnancy.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

'Monster mobiles.'

'I'm not an indoor cat. I'm a bitter, angry, frustrated, resentful, repressed cat.'

'The MCC celebrate a famous victory' group of dodgy looking old English men holding drinking glasses

'Dogs have more charisma but cats have more electricity.'

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'

'It never fails. Two pizzas exhaust Dad as much as a 10 mile run exhausts me.'

"I'll explain later."