Awkward Dads Gifts

"Your mother tells me she caught you paying for porn and I'm very disappointed in you. . ."

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

"Isn't he the spitting image of his Dad?"

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

Complete the jigsaw puzzle of your life

'Mind how you cross the ocean.'

Toys in the DVD Player.

"We both see Ben as this summer's breakout child."

Baby has used blocks to spell out 'SO VERY BORED'.

"Where's your nose?"

'We're the parents. What we say goes. . . In one ear and out the other.'

Businessman with briefcase pushes stroller with baby and its briefcase.

"We'd love to come, but we can't seem to find a sitter."

It's a letter from Tim. He claims his grades are improving and he might even make the DEEN's list.

"It's difficult to attract a younger customer when our main demographic is babies."

"When Ed suggested 5 potato, 6 potato, 7 potato more, I suggested a vasectomy."

"And this is our son Danny's room. Danny is being raised by wolves."

"A man never stands so tall, son, as when he stoops to pick up a quarter."

How witness protection really works...

"Dad, can we please just buy a week wacker?"

'Still having trouble finding day care?'

'He's not my Daddy: He's my great great grandfather...'

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

"I thought we agreed that the dining room was a buffer zone."

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

Penguin kid to parents: 'Big deal! You're grounding me!'

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"How do you expect him to grow up to be a pro if he doesn't start young?"

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

"My wife is about to have a baby, so I was wondering if you could make me work late for the next eighteen years or so."

'...and please God, protect the social security fund for another sixty years.'

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

"My fella was chucked out of the water-birth for running around the pool and bombing."