Questionnaire Wizard Gifts

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes. No. Sometimes. No. No. Yes. Don't know. Sometimes. Yes. Mo.'

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

"I'll need some distracting hilarity on the borders of my quarterly report."

"Wow! Good news - the line is getting shorter!"

"What do you mean, I hardly moved all night? I was constantly dancing around politics, religion and the weather."

First and last day as census taker...

"This internet survey is asking me to take another survey rating the survey I'm taking."

"Let's save some time, shall we?... Yes, no, for about five years, since I was a small boy, yes, I can start on Monday. Thanks, bye."

"Shall I put that down as a 'Don't Know' then?"

Conflicting Reports

"Do you have a minute for a problem whose solution has eluded humanity since the dawn of civilization?"

"Those were the toughest tryouts I've ever had. Everyone has shown great improvement, but I only have one slot open. Congratulations, Gracie! You're the newest member of our academic decathlon team!"

'That's curious, Mr Van Der Pummen...up to question 2084 you seem entirely normal, but then after 2085 you suddenly go to pieces!'

'The streets of Dodge City fell eerily quiet as the market researchers strode into town.'

'Sorry, sir, but we don't have a category for that.'

"I'm sorry, sir, but this survey does not allow for that opinion."

"What if I'm actually gifted, and first grade just didn't challenge me enough? Maybe I should just skip second grade altogether and go directly to grade four."

'Thank you for verifying your name for us, Doug. We're going to start with some multiple choice questions.'

'. . . and 14% said they didn't own a TV set, although I could hear it in the background!'

Tax time is simply disgusting.

Clancy:Survey Question

"Good report. It almost blew me away."

Random sample.

The client would prefer fewer open-ended questions,

"I got a perfect score on this online I.Q. test."

'... and then this REALLY rude woman said, 'You are the weakest link - goodbye', and it all kicked off.'

Do not fold, bend or staple your questions...

Are you certainly likely, very likely, likely, somewhat likely, somewhat unlikely, unlikely, very unlikely or certainly not likely to take an overly specific survey.

'Do you really care about my opinion or am I just a random sample?'

'And finally question fifty, Do you ever feel like killing someone?'

'And finally question fifty, do you ever feel like killing someone?'

'Stupid woman - of course I watch television, what else are you supposed to do with it???'

'Do you find my opinions: a) well informed? b) insightful? c) ...?'

". . . we got another dead online dater, just finished his 59,427th profile question."