Questionnaire Enthusiast Gifts

'Do you really care about my opinion or am I just a random sample?'

'And finally question fifty, do you ever feel like killing someone?'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"I've always dreamed of being on an academic team like this! It's great that we can all depend on each other!"

Academic Jeopardy ... 'What Was the Maiden Name of Dante Alighieri's Maternal Grandmother?'

"And finally, I'd like to take any questions from the floor."

Do you have any other skills?

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

Senior Jeopardy!

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

Spot Quiz....

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

Help wanted. Various positions available.

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

'He will observe your text now...'

'How many words per minute do you type?'

"Again, you may exercise your right to remain silent, but it's going to work against you since this is a job interview."

'I'm now going to open the floor to questions.'

'You don't want the job, do you?'

"And where do you see your mustache in five years?"

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

'Have you got a resume?'

"Where do you see yourself five lives from now?"

Don't use live interviews as rehearsals-practise and prepare.

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate ... I'm flexible on location -- I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume --- I don't think you understand what that means. The octopus got the job because he was a great multitasker!

Spot the fur ball.

Philosophy Test Today. This "Meaning of Life" question -- is that essay or true-false?