Questionnaire Critic Gifts

'And finally question fifty, Do you ever feel like killing someone?'

"This internet survey is asking me to take another survey rating the survey I'm taking."

"I'm sorry, sir, but this survey does not allow for that opinion."

Are you certainly likely, very likely, likely, somewhat likely, somewhat unlikely, unlikely, very unlikely or certainly not likely to take an overly specific survey.

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

"I always know what Harry's going to say, and he always knows what I'm going to say, so, by and large, we just don't bother."

'Yes. No. Sometimes. No. No. Yes. Don't know. Sometimes. Yes. Mo.'

First and last day as census taker...

"It's all good – but some of it is better."

"This conversation is being performed in front of a live audience."

"Shall I put that down as a 'Don't Know' then?"

'Sales of durable goods are down. Actually the sales numbers are the same, the goods just aren't as durable as they used to be.'

If students are more than a test score why aren't teachers?

"It looks like fecal transplants may do us in."

"Do you have a minute for a problem whose solution has eluded humanity since the dawn of civilization?"

'Once again, you were right only fifty percent of the time. Have you considered a career as a TV weatherman?'

'The streets of Dodge City fell eerily quiet as the market researchers strode into town.'

'Sorry, sir, but we don't have a category for that.'

My first rodeo

'I don't know which is worse... talk radio or talk wife.'

'Thank you for verifying your name for us, Doug. We're going to start with some multiple choice questions.'

'. . . and 14% said they didn't own a TV set, although I could hear it in the background!'

Clancy:Survey Question

Census Interrogation

'So you say, 'Tom, how do I become filthy rich?' Well, that's easy. By scamming others the way I'm about to scam you.'

"Do you think that social media is dumbing-down the art of conversation?"

Post-Life Survey

If symptoms persist sue your doctor.

Social comment on the time-honoured tradition of attaching a Just Married sign to the newlyweds car

"I look forward to coming here for great tasting coffee every morning... but you are talking so loud I can't even smell it!"

"I'm sorry, you were talking about people I don't know doing things I'll never care about, blah, blah, blah. Go ahead — I'm listening."

"A MacArthur, the lecture circuit, and thou!"