Pub Jokes Gifts

". . . so a duck walks into a . . ."

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

Bar: Now serving 24 hours - 'I want to get as wasted as you look.'

'Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine... LAST!'

You have had enough

'We are now entering sombre hour, happy hour has finished.'

'Did you or did you not tell me to collect EVERYBODY'S glasses?'

"Harpy Hour."

"Fetch and roll over weren't enough-then they sent me to philosophy classes."

No shirt, no shoes, no service.

'You know that's not what I meant when I asked you to take the dog out!'

"Oi, who are you bleedin' looking at?"

'He's clever alright-just watch him dry up when it's HIS round!'

Drunken hamster at the bar says to the Easter Bunny: 'You got lucky, Bunny. Things could've been so different for the Harvest Festival Hamster.'

'What is this, some kind of joke?'

"I hear alcohol slows reactions..."

"I'm not sure I can really help you. I've dealt with hundreds of rodent infestations, but I've never even heard of Beerkats!"

'I'm sorry, boss, but you tell them to leave.'

No glasses to be taken outside.

'My beer's not cloudy. The glasses are dirty.'

'Are you trying to be funny?'

"Actually, I'm from New Jersey. The nickname comes from thirty years in the textile business."

'Will the lady be coming back, Sir? She hasn't finished her drink.'

"Say, do you have the correct moon-phase?"

'Stout has a white head on top.' 'To show you which end to drink first.'

"To be fair - he DID say he was going to rearrange your face...!"

'Our eyes met across a crowded room, and she called the cops.'

'That perfume you're wearing smells funny. I love it!'

'You better not start anything...'

"Don't mind me, Riche – it's just the rabies talking."

"A tax inspector dies and ends up in hell.... Than't's the funniest joke I've heard all night."

'Look, I don't want any funny business.'

"Do you think terrorists could ever poison the vodka supply?"

Until the cows come home, they're doing this.

"Joe's trying to get around the smoking ban."