Profit Jester Gifts

'Could this mean that we're finally profitable?'

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

"That new drug causes flatulence."

"Unless one is a humorist, Haskins. One should avoid attempts at humor."

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

Why markets crash.

'WELL, that certainly was a frank discussion! Shall we proceed to the inevitable apologies, retractions and clarifications?'

"Actually, I used them as collateral for a loan."

"You're quitting? You're walking out?? Couldn't you have at least waited until I finished outsourcing the company??!"

'All in favor of just laughing it off, say ha, ha, ha.'

'In this class you will learn to apply the talents of creative writing to accounting.'

"So, is there any other funny business to attend to?"

'I'm worried about all these unemployed. They're still on our payroll'

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

"I don't consider a missing four million dollars to be 'monkeyshines'."

IRS Audits. Do you have tax records? No, I pay about the same as most people.

'Wait a minute....!

'All right, gentlemen, this is the current picture of our growth industry!'

"We need a market icon that reflects the ridiculous market conditions..."

"Are you sure you haven't overvalued the worth of your business?"

GAS. If you have to ask, you probably can't afford it.

'I'm afraid there is no Book of Loophole.'

Investments.

"You gave us quite a scare there Mr. Edwards! We thought we lost your credit card information."

"We bring him gifts of gold, frankincense and mercantile mutual hedge fund options."

"Humiliation is a very important part of the the process, Mr. Keifer."

'The bad news is that we're only in it for the money.'

"I agree, a mission statement should be utterly sincere, but I would leave out the, 'don't get caught' part."

'So, they weren't interested in your Robin Hood tax then.'

'Don't go too far out on a limb - he'll send you to a branch office.'