Money Jester Gifts

'I guess you could say we're a 'faith-based' company. Everyone worships the dollar around here.'

"But If I had enough collateral to cover the amount of the loan, I wouldn't need the loan in the first place!"

'Billy, you're embarrassing us. Please stop saying 'ka-ching, ka-ching'.'

Today's Topic: "Money talks." In my case, very sarcastically.

Seminar Today: Making Your Money Go Farther. It's just a tutorial on folding paper airplanes.

The funny side of inflation

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

Why markets crash.

'Look at it another way. Happiness can't buy you money!'

"Actually, I used them as collateral for a loan."

"I managed to find a healthy work-life balance, but now there's a problem with my bank balance."

'All in favor of just laughing it off, say ha, ha, ha.'

"So, is there any other funny business to attend to?"

'In this class you will learn to apply the talents of creative writing to accounting.'

'I'm worried about all these unemployed. They're still on our payroll'

"I don't consider a missing four million dollars to be 'monkeyshines'."

GAS. If you have to ask, you probably can't afford it.

"Are you sure you haven't overvalued the worth of your business?"

'Wait a minute....!

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

IRS Audits. Do you have tax records? No, I pay about the same as most people.

"We need a market icon that reflects the ridiculous market conditions..."

'I'm afraid there is no Book of Loophole.'

'It's a type of credit card that self destructs when it reaches the limit I've set for you.'

"You gave us quite a scare there Mr. Edwards! We thought we lost your credit card information."

"We bring him gifts of gold, frankincense and mercantile mutual hedge fund options."

'So, they weren't interested in your Robin Hood tax then.'

'Don't go too far out on a limb - he'll send you to a branch office.'

'The bad news is that we're only in it for the money.'

'Dear sir, every month we place all bills in a big pile on the table, and select six at random for payment...'

'With the economy the way it is, there's no silver lining. In fact we sold that last week!'

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."