Finance Jester Gifts

'It's just that when I said 'show me the money'...I imagined more money.'

HMRC Self-Assessment - Poor

"That's agreed then, we spend the last �100 on lunch then call the receiver."

"I've consolidated all our bills into one missed payment."

'What we'll do is rub some insurance money on it and see what happens.'

'Throw Your Money Down a Rathole' vending machine.

'Dear sir, every month we place all bills in a big pile on the table, and select six at random for payment...'

"Welll your balance is OK...now lets check your credit rating!"

'We did a great job obtaining non-profit tax status. That calls for bonuses all around!'

'Your shares are doing well... No wait, they're falling, no they're rising, no falling and rising...'

A fortune cookie for investors.

"You gave us quite a scare there Mr. Edwards! We thought we lost your credit card information."

Bob gets a reading on the futures market: 'Ok...first I'll need you to pay cash, up front, within the next ten minutes...'

'...could we interest you in investing a proportion in one of our harebrained schemes?'

'Give it to me straight, Doc - just how long-term should my long-term investments be?'

First National Bank. "Invest in the Future." I'd do that, but my money's all tied up in the past.

"Here comes Paul. Maybe he can help us turn things around."

"I think I'm pre-approved for trouble!"

"Of course we're not in a recession. No one has even jumped out of a window."

"Look what I just bought! The price tag said 25 bucks but I got it for 30!"

Who is Goldman and who is Sachs?

'Sorry, I've some bad news about your nest egg.'

'Feng Shui, I believe it's called'

'Leave me the figures on my voicemail... I never check it.'

"I don't consider a missing four million dollars to be 'monkeyshines'."

'Wait a minute....!

'About my accrued holdiay pay...can you mail it to my offshore account?'

"You're saving us a fortune in income taxes."

If I opened a joint account, how much would you people be prepared to put in it?

'Great. Now that I've got a better idea of your tolerance for risk, I have a few investments to recommend.'

"Actually, I used them as collateral for a loan."

'I got a nice bonus for losing the company less money this year than last year.'

"You're too late, my wife beat you to it."

'Is it okay to put my credit card payment on my credit card?'

In the current economy, I'm afraid I'm going to have to reduce the size of your allowance, Axel. You haven't given me any money in eons. I meant the size of your IOUs.