Procedural Ponderer Gifts

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"He's his own worst enemy."

"Needs to get a life"

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

"I think you'll find the pen is writier than the sword."

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

'The organizational structure is pretty simple: We do the work; they take the credit.'

'At least I don't have his life.'

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single malt."

The Male Atom: Sex, Sport, War and Good Intentions.

"I advised a patient to take responsibilty for his own actions, and now he is suing me!"

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

"Get another opinion if you wish, Mr. Von Flip...But I'm confident it will still come up ' heads - we operate.'"

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"Today we'll examine that age old question of robot accomplishment: programming or processor?"

Max Weber

"No, I don't believe youth is wasted on the young. I believe money is."

"I've been studying reverse psychology at Tonga Tech Online University."

"A watched kettle never boils, so I'm covering up Alexa."

'In this next precedent, an attorney lost his frivolous lawsuit complaint and his opponent then filed a frivolous 'frivolous lawsuit' lawsuit.'

'Are you sure we should do all this praying on Sunday? -- I thought it was God's day off.'

Telling Self to Buzz Off

'Have you noticed how the grass is always greener on the other side?'

God answers what He thought were worldwide prayers for peas.

Caption Contest TK

'Please don't read anything into the fact that I'm wearing loafers. I assure you I'm a very energetic worker.'

"We should probably talk about the elephant in the Roomba."

That's no big deal, a lot of people get Siskel and Ebert mixed up

Why not get God's fax number, and just fax him my prayer?

Yeah, I woke up as a roach because I was so full of existential dread – Why did you wake up as a dung beetle?

Three Wise Monkeys with MP3 players: Hear no evil, hear no evil, hear no evil

What brings you to therapy, Rudy? Dr. Noodle. I've been feeling like my whole life is on pause. And I can't find the remote to unpause it. Meanwhile, everyone else's stories are proceeding apace. They're all into the second act already. They've all had plot twists, and hero's journeys, and epic love scenes, and thrilling reversals of fortune ... Meanwhile, I'm still paused on the opening credits because no remote. Why don't you get up off the couch and unpause it manually? You can do that?

I see

'Well, that brings us up to my third birthday...'

Some moss pounces on a rolling stone.