Psychotherapy Ponderer Gifts

Are these sessions as soul-deadening for you as they are for me, doctor? Let's not have a contest, Al. Or, if we do, no wagering.

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

"Needs to get a life"

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

Waiting for Pants

"I advised a patient to take responsibilty for his own actions, and now he is suing me!"

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

The Male Atom: Sex, Sport, War and Good Intentions.

'What do lawyers really want, Mr. Montague?'

Max Weber

'I say we try it.'

"It is just as the Oracle foretold!"

"I'll have dessert first."

'Congratulations, you've got the job. Unfortunately though, you'll be constantly late, and we'll fire you in two months.'

"I've been studying reverse psychology at Tonga Tech Online University."

Telling Self to Buzz Off

Psychiatry ward with 'Inhibited' and 'Outgoing' trays.

'Well, that brings us up to my third birthday...'

'Please don't read anything into the fact that I'm wearing loafers. I assure you I'm a very energetic worker.'

That's no big deal, a lot of people get Siskel and Ebert mixed up

'The hardest part of being a street crazy is picking each day's sign.'

Yeah, I woke up as a roach because I was so full of existential dread – Why did you wake up as a dung beetle?

What brings you to therapy, Rudy? Dr. Noodle. I've been feeling like my whole life is on pause. And I can't find the remote to unpause it. Meanwhile, everyone else's stories are proceeding apace. They're all into the second act already. They've all had plot twists, and hero's journeys, and epic love scenes, and thrilling reversals of fortune ... Meanwhile, I'm still paused on the opening credits because no remote. Why don't you get up off the couch and unpause it manually? You can do that?

I see

'You'll be going on a long journey this Christmas.'

'Turn your thinking cap around, Robert.'

Fortune teller sees impending doom

"I don't know why I'm here - I don't need a haircut."

Caption Contest TK

'He's always looking for an argument!'

The End is Near.

Jealousy

'Do you ever wonder about this whole 'money' thing?'

"Would you look at the carrot on that guy!"