Prestigious Education Critic Gifts

'My parents want me to go to a Poison Ivy School.'

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Is there any way I could get a dashboard instead of a report card?"

Toy Shops and Educated Children

'The reason the core curriculum seems so ambiguous is that we dot really have a core curriculum.'

"What can I say? Second grade just hasn't lived up to the hype."

'Child labor laws don't apply to homework, Jimmy.'

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

"I don't mind them counting the days 'til school's out, but I wish they wouldn't do it on their fingers."

'I gave up hope of receiving a Genius Grant years ago. Now I'm basically shooting for the less impressive Mediocrity Grant.'

Go to M.I.T., they said. You'll do great things, they said.

"Night of the living adjunct professor" "What's a sabbatical?" "Tenure is boring!" "I have four desks in four schools!" "I have more prestige than a grad student."

'My father says, these intelligence tests are biased towards the intelligent.'

"They make us learn reading, writing, and arithmetic to prepare us for a world of videotapes, computer terminals and calculators."

'Remind me again, Dad. Why did you want me to get that college degree?'

Cover Design for the Savoy (No. 7)- the Eternal Problem of Youth and Pedantry

"Maybe school's a good thing... I mean...where else do hundreds of people with similar backgrounds come together under one roof...all following a daily routine...with guidance and supervision to better themselves and society? Ya know...besides prison?"

"What I do is create elegant solutions for problems that don't exist."

'Going to school is NOT an abusive relationship!'

'You will be appointed principal of a school and you will resist change for your entire career,'

'I'm more unpopular now than I was at school.'

"What did I learn in school today...I learned I don't like school!"

"I won't do the 'What I did on my summer vacation' assignment. I consider it a privacy issue."

The Internal Economy of Dotheboys Hall

iDeasy

Remembering the words of his 8th grade Algebra teacher, Moose bought his old middle school and made a mockery out of it.

"I don't want your teacher to think a kid with grades this bad....could possibly have a father who could read or write."

'Dad said that experience is the best teacher, so I cut school and went to the video arcade.'

Civilian Oversight

Cutting Room Floor

"No, you cannot impeach your teacher!"

"Why do I have to work hard at school? I can buy a degree on the internet!"

"The Feds have authorized me to leave your child behind."

"Your order is confirmed and your credit card has been charged. You have purchased one small liberal-arts college in New England. Thank you for your order."

'They're not the exam results, headmaster. They're the truancy figures.'