Predictive Ponderer Gifts

"Complimentary crystal ball to see when the BLT you ordered might be showing up."

"Needs to get a life"

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

"Your assumption that a one in a million chance event MUST be a miracle shows you drastically underestimate the total number of regularly occurring events."

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

'The organizational structure is pretty simple: We do the work; they take the credit.'

Totalitarian Humour

'At least I don't have his life.'

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"I advised a patient to take responsibilty for his own actions, and now he is suing me!"

The Male Atom: Sex, Sport, War and Good Intentions.

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

"The trouble is, professor, you see the Erlenmeyer flask half empty and I see it half full."

Max Weber

'I say we try it.'

"Of course it's only prediction, we can't guarantee anything."

"I'll have dessert first."

"I've been studying reverse psychology at Tonga Tech Online University."

'In this next precedent, an attorney lost his frivolous lawsuit complaint and his opponent then filed a frivolous 'frivolous lawsuit' lawsuit.'

'Congratulations, you've got the job. Unfortunately though, you'll be constantly late, and we'll fire you in two months.'

"It is just as the Oracle foretold!"

Objects in mirror bear no relation to reality.

Telling Self to Buzz Off

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

Bizarre sequence of computer-generated random numbers

'What's the chance of getting a latte around here?'

That's no big deal, a lot of people get Siskel and Ebert mixed up

'I didn't choose art. Art chose me!'

Fortune teller sees impending doom

"I don't know why I'm here - I don't need a haircut."

'Please don't read anything into the fact that I'm wearing loafers. I assure you I'm a very energetic worker.'

'You'll be going on a long journey this Christmas.'

'He's always looking for an argument!'

'Well, that brings us up to my third birthday...'

Yeah, I woke up as a roach because I was so full of existential dread – Why did you wake up as a dung beetle?