Predictive Ponderer Gifts

"Complimentary crystal ball to see when the BLT you ordered might be showing up."

"Needs to get a life"

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

"Your assumption that a one in a million chance event MUST be a miracle shows you drastically underestimate the total number of regularly occurring events."

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

'The organizational structure is pretty simple: We do the work; they take the credit.'

Totalitarian Humour

'At least I don't have his life.'

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"I advised a patient to take responsibilty for his own actions, and now he is suing me!"

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

The Male Atom: Sex, Sport, War and Good Intentions.

"The trouble is, professor, you see the Erlenmeyer flask half empty and I see it half full."

Max Weber

"I've been studying reverse psychology at Tonga Tech Online University."

'In this next precedent, an attorney lost his frivolous lawsuit complaint and his opponent then filed a frivolous 'frivolous lawsuit' lawsuit.'

Objects in mirror bear no relation to reality.

'Congratulations, you've got the job. Unfortunately though, you'll be constantly late, and we'll fire you in two months.'

"Of course it's only prediction, we can't guarantee anything."

"I'll have dessert first."

"It is just as the Oracle foretold!"

'I say we try it.'

Telling Self to Buzz Off

'What's the chance of getting a latte around here?'

Bizarre sequence of computer-generated random numbers

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

"The fact that you're here means you will continue to make poor life decisions."

"I see you coming into money, at least 50p for a cup of tea."

'You'll be going on a long journey this Christmas.'

"I don't know why I'm here - I don't need a haircut."

'I didn't choose art. Art chose me!'

That's no big deal, a lot of people get Siskel and Ebert mixed up

'Today's Odds' sign above a copier showing various odds for machine's malfunctions