Postpartum Recovery Gifts

"You could say that. I had a D-section."

Speed Dating for Turtles

The operation was going extremely well, but then very unexpectedly, he got trampled.

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"Have you tried barking at the moon?"

No caption. (Man wearing a cast is in traction. He imagines sheep lining up to jump fence. Sheep also wear casts.)

'He usually doesn't follow medical advice, but when the doctor told him to learn to relax...'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

"Picasso: Post cataract surgery."

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

'I did have a tummy-tuck...But I opted for reconstruction surgery at the same time.'

While you're at it, will you sew on my shirt button please?

'My obstetrician recommended I nurture it in the interest of science.'

'It will be a difficult adjustment, but it doesn't mean you can't still live a full and rewarding life, say, in the library, or even a miniature golf course.'

Well, the doctor said you have to wear it until you stop biting your stitches.

'In the doctor's defense, there have been no serious post operative complications.'

Rip Van Winkle, "He's survived the operation, now he's sleeping peacefully."

"You try staying this this after giving birth two million times."

'I've found the blockage it looks like your gastric band!'

"Don't get me wrong. I think it's great that Barbara decided she wanted to start exercising more after her surgery."

"There were some squiggly bits left over after the operation, so we gave you a doggie bag."

"I'll have someone come in and prep you for the bill."

'Of course I put the children first! Look how much I pay their nanny.'

'Now dear, it may be Thanksgiving, but stop referring to your aunt's gallbladder as a giblet.'

The post-menopause luncheon's unintentional comedy act.

A man sews broken hearts back together.

"Don't wait too long for Mr. Right or you'll end up with Mr. What's left!"

Elderly gent keeps his hip in a bottle

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

'It's the only way I was able to lose those last 10 pounds after Jason was born.'

'I don't believe in blind dates... the last time I got fixed up I got neutered.'

"I know I said, 'If there's anything I can do,' but I draw the line on licking your incision for you."

Heart Rate, Respiration, Insurance Remaining.