Post-pregnancy Gifts

"You try staying this this after giving birth two million times."

I'm amazed how quickly I returned to my normal shape after the birth.

"It horrifies me that someone can give birth to a venom-spewing demon spawn and look so fabulous six weeks later."

"What? It's been ten years. . . She's had six kids for goodness sake. She can't still be the fairest of them all!"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

Madonna of the Pukes.

"She's been so creative lately."

A midwife holding a baby

"I'm sorry, Ms. Cole is busy balancing family and career. Can I take a message and have her call you back?"

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

"It only goes forwards and backwards. So, you won't need a GPS."

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

'Another expectant father looking forward to paternity leave.'

'You don't have to explain the software to me. I wrote it while I was in the womb.'

"Those are the names of your children? I went a different route...I memorized my kids' names."

"Even when he throws them on the floor, he doesn't want the peas and carrots to touch."

Rocking horse

Knight feeding his kids.

'You must be very proud Daphne.'

Trombone emerges from pram. Mother says: 'I'm a firm believer in starting them young.'

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

A woman with a dog and a baby on a leash

"When did she start crawling?"

'Oh Darling, you must be so proud: Your first wart!'

So I guess the moral of Hansel and Gretel is always carry your cell phone!

'and on the Kids' Menu, we have Cranky Pants French Toast...'

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"Have mercy on me, Mama. Have mercy on Mr. Pitiful."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

"But if I don't break stuff who will?"

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

"Sarah has two mommies and both of them are good cooks."

Rockabye Baby- $10/hour.