Post-pregnancy Gifts

"You try staying this this after giving birth two million times."

I'm amazed how quickly I returned to my normal shape after the birth.

"It horrifies me that someone can give birth to a venom-spewing demon spawn and look so fabulous six weeks later."

"What? It's been ten years. . . She's had six kids for goodness sake. She can't still be the fairest of them all!"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

Madonna of the Pukes.

'We had the baby's ultrasound photo made into wallpaper.'

"I'm sorry, Ms. Cole is busy balancing family and career. Can I take a message and have her call you back?"

"She's been so creative lately."

A midwife holding a baby

'Another expectant father looking forward to paternity leave.'

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

"It only goes forwards and backwards. So, you won't need a GPS."

"I'd like to get my hands on whoever coined the phrase 'sleeps like a baby'."

'They were hoping to gradually introduce him to the pro game, but injuries left them no choice.'

"Those are the names of your children? I went a different route...I memorized my kids' names."

"Even when he throws them on the floor, he doesn't want the peas and carrots to touch."

'You don't have to explain the software to me. I wrote it while I was in the womb.'

Rocking horse

Knight feeding his kids.

'You must be very proud Daphne.'

Trombone emerges from pram. Mother says: 'I'm a firm believer in starting them young.'

'Can you tell me what I've written? I can't read!'

"When did she start crawling?"

A woman with a dog and a baby on a leash

'and on the Kids' Menu, we have Cranky Pants French Toast...'

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

So I guess the moral of Hansel and Gretel is always carry your cell phone!

'Oh Darling, you must be so proud: Your first wart!'

"Can Olaf come out to pillage and plunder?"

Fertility goddess. Nanny goddess.

Well, we thought we had childproofed the house

Ask me about my litter! !

"Have mercy on me, Mama. Have mercy on Mr. Pitiful."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'