Post-childbirth Gifts

"Nintey-six kids? Well, you look amazing."

'I guess that's the deal. You get out of shape so I can get into shape.'

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

Batman at the Maternity Ward

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Cry babies.

'I've had some baby sized clubs made.'

Late night teddy reading

Pool attached to child's bed.

'Honey, where's my cell phone?'

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

Swinging on a star.

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"For the girls—Kimberly, Caitlin, Lauren, Cindy, and Tracy. For the boys—Cameron, Christopher, Adam, Jeffrey, and Gregory."

Being and Nothingness Pop-Up! (book)

"They're so adorable at that age!"

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

"I'm starting him off with a little rope theory."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

A mother and baby elephant

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

The No No No's

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

Twenty-first century baby walker

"Just kick back and enjoy this. These are the nest years of our lives!"

"We've decided that it will be better for his later development if we speak to him only in legalese."

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

'Strained carrots again! What am I being punished for this time?'

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

Human Behavior Institute. Out Experiencing Lunch.