Post-honeymoon Humorist Gifts

"I quit drinking because you said I drank too much. I quite smoking because you said I smoked too much. I'm just back from my honeymoon... so this checkup scares the hell out of me!"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The wedding cake as holy sacrament"

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'He does.'

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

'No, but thanks for asking,'

"You look so beautiful, glistening in the moonlight."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

Tunnel of Like.

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"How barbaric! Females should be wooed by colourful displays, not fighting!"

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Thanks for calling it skinnydipping."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'I love you, Howard, but let's not jump to conclusions.'

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

It's not what's outside that interests me. It's what's inside!

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

Bride with a ventriloquist's dummy.

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.