Post-honeymoon Humorist Gifts

"I quit drinking because you said I drank too much. I quite smoking because you said I smoked too much. I'm just back from my honeymoon... so this checkup scares the hell out of me!"

"The wedding cake as holy sacrament"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

'He does.'

This next song goes out to the girl who stole my heart and my guitar.

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"You look so beautiful, glistening in the moonlight."

'No, but thanks for asking,'

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"How barbaric! Females should be wooed by colourful displays, not fighting!"

"Thanks for calling it skinnydipping."

Tunnel of Like.

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

It's not what's outside that interests me. It's what's inside!

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

'I love you, Howard, but let's not jump to conclusions.'

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.