Portfolio Expert Gifts

Woman at a desk with in out boxes marked Market Up Market Down.

Phrenology bust with sections for different currencies.

The day the stock market went UP.

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

Build Your Own Portfolio

'Good news! Our nest egg is developing into a double yoke.'

Investments - remember, you are what you invest in!

'Greek debt was downgraded for the 11th time this week, by S&P, to P.O.S. Negative Infinity, meaning it's safer to eat uranium, than own Greek debt.'

Thanks to the financial business scientists know it for sure now - Black Holes really exist!

Investments - Founders Bear and Bull.

"Okay, money doesn't make you happy. So how about commodity futures?"

"Until we get a bigger chart, we're estimating it's now about up to here."

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

'well of course I'm giving your portfolio the attention it deserves, I'm even wearing a black armband!'

Stock market Bull & Bear financial whirlwind.

'For Harland, the only game in town is the bulls versus the bears...'

'Stocks were up on news that no performance enhancing drugs were used to achieve today's highs. . .'

Hedge fund sharks attacking 'The Markets' ship.

'Based on your travels, what would you say is the greatest potential downside, if any, to investing in the Upper Amazon?'

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

Fiscal Compass for the Global Investor.

Pillaging, formerly Acquisitions Department

'You reached the Nervous Investor Fund's Hotline. The per share value is now 19.05, now 18.91, now...'

Practical loans vs. devil-may-care loans.

'Time to buy.'

Hedge Fund: Our 'Swaps' which mimic stocks, were voted #1 derivative of the year!

"I'm in securities." "I'm in insecurities."

'Look on the bright side; you got out of that stock before it became...unstable.'

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

'I was just beginning to think about my portfolio. Now you're telling me to rethink it.'

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

'Actually, they're a hybrid. They are a blue-chip, common stock.'

Standard And P****d.

The Invisible Hand of the Market

'Wake up! You should be worrying about our investments!'