Portfolio Expert T-Shirts

Woman at a desk with in out boxes marked Market Up Market Down.

Phrenology bust with sections for different currencies.

The day the stock market went UP.

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

Build Your Own Portfolio

'Good news! Our nest egg is developing into a double yoke.'

Investments - remember, you are what you invest in!

'Greek debt was downgraded for the 11th time this week, by S&P, to P.O.S. Negative Infinity, meaning it's safer to eat uranium, than own Greek debt.'

Thanks to the financial business scientists know it for sure now - Black Holes really exist!

"Okay, money doesn't make you happy. So how about commodity futures?"

Investments - Founders Bear and Bull.

"Until we get a bigger chart, we're estimating it's now about up to here."

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

Stock market Bull & Bear financial whirlwind.

'Stocks were up on news that no performance enhancing drugs were used to achieve today's highs. . .'

'well of course I'm giving your portfolio the attention it deserves, I'm even wearing a black armband!'

'For Harland, the only game in town is the bulls versus the bears...'

Hedge fund sharks attacking 'The Markets' ship.

'Based on your travels, what would you say is the greatest potential downside, if any, to investing in the Upper Amazon?'

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

Fiscal Compass for the Global Investor.

'Time to buy.'

Hedge Fund: Our 'Swaps' which mimic stocks, were voted #1 derivative of the year!

Pillaging, formerly Acquisitions Department

Practical loans vs. devil-may-care loans.

'You reached the Nervous Investor Fund's Hotline. The per share value is now 19.05, now 18.91, now...'

"I'm in securities." "I'm in insecurities."

'Look on the bright side; you got out of that stock before it became...unstable.'

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

'I was just beginning to think about my portfolio. Now you're telling me to rethink it.'

'Wake up! You should be worrying about our investments!'

'Actually, they're a hybrid. They are a blue-chip, common stock.'

"Constant vigilance, regular trimming."

The Invisible Hand of the Market