Portfolio Practitioner Gifts

'The market's been all over the place, today.'

Phrenology bust with sections for different currencies.

The day the stock market went UP.

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

Build Your Own Portfolio

'Good news! Our nest egg is developing into a double yoke.'

Investments - remember, you are what you invest in!

'Greek debt was downgraded for the 11th time this week, by S&P, to P.O.S. Negative Infinity, meaning it's safer to eat uranium, than own Greek debt.'

Investments - Founders Bear and Bull.

"Until we get a bigger chart, we're estimating it's now about up to here."

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

'well of course I'm giving your portfolio the attention it deserves, I'm even wearing a black armband!'

"Ed and Helen's portfolio rose 3 point today on Dave's purchase of 100 shares..."

'Stocks were up on news that no performance enhancing drugs were used to achieve today's highs. . .'

Stock market Bull & Bear financial whirlwind.

Hedge fund sharks attacking 'The Markets' ship.

'Based on your travels, what would you say is the greatest potential downside, if any, to investing in the Upper Amazon?'

Fiscal Compass for the Global Investor.

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

Pillaging, formerly Acquisitions Department

'You reached the Nervous Investor Fund's Hotline. The per share value is now 19.05, now 18.91, now...'

'Time to buy.'

Woman at a desk with in out boxes marked Market Up Market Down.

Hedge Fund: Our 'Swaps' which mimic stocks, were voted #1 derivative of the year!

'Look on the bright side; you got out of that stock before it became...unstable.'

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

'I was just beginning to think about my portfolio. Now you're telling me to rethink it.'

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

'Actually, they're a hybrid. They are a blue-chip, common stock.'

Long and Short term investments.

"Make it Dow 30,000, and I'll sell you my soul."

The Invisible Hand of the Market

"Constant vigilance, regular trimming."

'Wake up! You should be worrying about our investments!'