Portfolio Perfectionist Gifts

Build Your Own Portfolio

'My problem is that I invested in liabilities that I thought were assets.'

"I still haven't found any gold for my portfolio."

'Find out if that was a computer glitch or a market glitch?'

'If you're so smart, why don't you have some Index Funds in your portfolio.'

Financial Advisor: 'Oh, oh, here's your mistake - you developed your investment strategy from Jimmy, not Warren Buffett!'

Crosswalk sign: buy-sell

Man at brokerage: 'I want to keep ahead of, not just up with, the Dow Joneses.'

'Oh Cynthia, I must tell you. I just found the cutest little mutual fund...'

'Psst... Tell me about your 'obscene dividend' fund.'

"First of all, Mr. Keller, I'll buy you a new shirt."

"Turns out that 'sleeper stock' I sold you was actually in a coma."

"You call this a 'market correction?' So when I was making money...was that a 'market mistake?'"

"You're pretty optimistic about this new investment strategy of your's, aren't you?"

Stockbrokers - ...I want you to promise not to start crying.

Investments: Our commodity futures contain no high fructose corn syrup.

'You reached the Nervous Investor Fund's Hotline. The per share value is now 19.05, now 18.91, now...'

'I've got to hang up. Someone with a bigger portfolio is calling.'

'You know your problem, Mr Hanes? Your stock portfolio is too full of companies that run like the government.'

California Investments: Quake-Proof Your Portfolio!

Stock Market.

Reggie Hoyt: 50% Stocks, 30% Bonds, 20% Cash.

Investments: Getting In Touch With Your Inner Greed

"Constant vigilance, regular trimming."

The Birth of a Portfolio

"Remember, you can't buy happiness, at least with your portfolio."

Creative Director skipping through an advertising portfolio.

'There may be twenty million shares outstanding, but the ones you own certainly aren't.'

'Wake up! You should be worrying about our investments!'

'Actually, they're a hybrid. They are a blue-chip, common stock.'

'We ran your portfolio through the Bull-O-Meter and it showed excellent growth potential. . .'

'I thought my stocks had split, but it was just my broker.'

'My instinct is to go long, but my intuition is to go short.'

Buy low sell high.

Ace Investments: Thanks for Not Asking My Net Worth.