Porch Performer Gifts

JimmyFest 2006

At times Richard dreaded coming home, as he knew he'd have to face the music.

'Woke up this morning found someone had stolen my guitar...'

"If you ask me, wearing these things only makes them nervous."

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."

"Albert is the first whistler to use hearing aid feedback as an intro to one of his tunes."

You can't get what up

'No, that's not my shaving lotion. We've been burning cow chips in the wood stove.'

"We missed Fashion Week!"

Ow! Mutter! Toot! At the Old Superheroes Home. (This cartoon was originally published on 2003-07-28).

"I always know what Harry's going to say, and he always knows what I'm going to say, so, by and large, we just don't bother."

Ham-Dram

"I'll be on the porch, pushing ninety."

"This is one of those beautiful summer days when I'm flooded with memories of things that never happened to me."

"Would it have killed him to create a screened-in porch?!"

"I think that I shall never see a tree on which I wouldn't pee."

"Mr. Coughlin over there was the founder of one of the first motorcycle gangs"

Calm in the Face of Chaos

"The Hewletts have flaming crown roast au vin blanc every Wednesday."

"If you're going out, pick up some candles."

"Singing cowboy AND notary public"

"Okay, I admit it. You are a good dog."

'Why would I want an ocean-going yacht when I've got a rocking chair in my front porch?'

"But otherwise I'll bet they lead very dull lives."

"Dad, it's only a surveillance camera."

Bert's Ragtime Band.

Beware of Curmudgeon!

'The best part of growing old is not having to invest for the long term.'

"I believe jazz did come up the Mississippi, Ted, but not quite as far as East Moline."

"The screen porch makes it a home."

"I like you a whole lot better when you was alive."

"My husband used his rejected manuscripts to make these columns."

"So, has Grandpa's 'longevity pay' kicked in yet?"

'You don't see any for hours, then three come along at once.'

Ha ha ha, yours is blue, too!