Pop Quiz Survivalist Gifts

Gesundheit! Your allergies to chalk acting up again, Ms. Weatherspoon?

'Thank-you God.'

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

Admit it. We have a drinking problem.

'I know the answer. I just need a moment to come to grips with it.'

'No, I didn't know it was hunting season - why do you ask?'

"That's 'Help' with an 'H'."

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

Santa Claus delivers present to man stranded on desert island.

'You are here' sign on desert island.

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

"It looks like a pitch for a survival-themed reality show."

"Keep in mind that it was put there by the sharks."

"You know you're in trouble when you stop praying for the answers and start begging."

'DO we have a Math test today?'

"We both knew this day would come, Samantha... I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

'I'm kind of a survivalist myself. I roast my own coffee and distil my own gin.'

"Sure he's cute, but we should have discussed this."

"This better be high tide."

"At least my putting has improved."

"I'm next time I spring for the personal Wi-Fi hotspot..."

Randy, if you were stranded on an island, what's the one book you'd want to have along with you? Easy: Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. It's got the perfect heft to knock coconuts out of trees. Well, I'd like to have How to Get off an Island, by Archie MacGuyver. That title's actually a metaphor for overcoming shyness. We really should have our own book review show.

That Bear Grylls eats some EVIL crap, I'm telling you!

"When you're voted out of "Survivor", I thought they just sent you home!"

Republican Beach. . . Nature Preserve rule: EAT OR BE EATEN!

"You are so lucky I keep kosher."

'Are you going anywhere near a chemist?'

'It's day to day, but so far I've survived,'

"The problem is, you never know if they're ripe until you bite into one."

'You go ahead. I just don't feel like drinking this afternoon ...'

'Oh wait, I've got a good one! I spy with my little eye.'

'I told you. I'll be home with dinner just as soon as it dies.'

"I'm increasing your OnlyFan subscription..."

'I bet it's nice and warm inside!'

Stay in school.