Plant-based Satirist Gifts

"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

'Dad, you know that I'd never buy a pet that eats meat. Luckily, I found a guy who sold me the World's only vegetarian dog!'

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"

"The vegetables have gone bad!"

Little Farm Shop of Horrors with G.M produce turned into man eating plant

The beautiful but deadly 'Venus dog trap'.

"I'm an optimist. I have every confidence that global warming will be nullified by nuclear winter."

"Where are the perineums?" "Aisle 3. Between the vaginas and the rectums."

"Yes, sir, it's Houstonia Michauxii and it prefers shade or semi-shade."

Breakfast cereal in the Treasury.

Broccoli reading: 'Coping with Anthropomorphism'.

Water the hydrangeas twice a week and trim as needed. The bromeliad only needs to be high-fives on Saturday, but you can give it high and low fives anytime you have a spare moment. Just, whatever you do, don't give it a "too slow" or it will turn inward and begin shutting down.

'... And I now insert the brai ... Egor, this is a cauliflower.'

Even garden plants like to visit.

'It's a very common plant on earth.'

Eye Bank.

"Psst...The grass is a plant!"

Midnight in the Vegetable Garden of Good and Evil.

Woolly tofu.

'I don't think I've ever had an eggplant before!'

"Don't worry, the pain will stop once everything goes numb."

An Artichoke choking on some food

"They were monsters! That's the last time I babysit for the children of the corn."

Production in times of pandemic

Venus fly trap.

"It's a couch, not a settee, you posh git!"

Bathing Flowers.

'How many vegetables died for your stupid salad?'

"What seems to be the problem?"

Cactus Hold Up

'Honey have you seen my Viagra'

"It's a crank call - just heavy transpiration."

"Your momma lied to you, boy."