Pirate Humor Gifts

Pirate using wooden leg to go fishing

Pirated mirrors.

'That's it? I pour my heart out and all you can say is 'aargh'?'

"Any idea how long your family might be visiting?"

"It get it – you're hungry."

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

"Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell Thursday's gluten-free lasagna!"

"Do you recall the exact moment the balance of power shifted?"

'Of course I'm being catty. How else do you expect me to act?'

'Just taking the dog for a walk, Dear.'

Pirates at the mall.

'Ships plumber reporting for duty.'

'Captain, we're going to have to ask you to stop spiking the ball.'

"If anyone should ask, I was in my doggy bed from 7 p.m. to midnight. Understand?"

'No need to shout.'

"You're God-knows-where all day long, then at night you pounce on my head... this is not a relationship."

'Other than no dognip or an indoor bathroom, I enjoy being a dog.'

'Without thinking Captain Hook uses the wrong hand'

"It was an accident! How many times must I apologize?"

'Aye, but can you guys get 500 channels with those hooks?'

"Isn't it obvious how he got the job? He 'suctioned' up."

Captain Eddie's New Boat: 'First of all, Eddie, most people don't usually lose theah boats...'

"It's OK! Stop splashing!"

Introducing: Eye-Quit. The Nicotine Patch for Pirates...

'This guy is recording our singing, but I can't see us getting royalties any time soon...'

Many clowns in rowboat

'Play dead.'

'I hate these school reunions.'

"Aye, folks often get us mixed up, but I'm actually Capt'n Bluetooth."

When the cats realized that Hubert had permanently taken over their favourite couch, they took action.

It has the capabilities of a smartphone. I call it the "iPatch"!

"I'm tripping over bernedoodles, labradoodles, goldendoodles, schnoodles and cockapoos, ...and you want me to somehow believe you're not sleeping around?"

101 uses of a dead cat: pneumatic drill.

'I'm divorcing you...and I want custody of the squids.'

'He's a great dog...a bit of a drooler though.'