Pilot Humorist Gifts

"Yes of course I understand how dangerous birds on the runway are. All I`m saying is was it really necessary for you to leave your aircraft and chase them yourself?"

"Sorry, you're only allowed one carrion."

'Flight simulator'

Santa knows he has to be more careful. One more accident due to pilot error, and the FAA would take away his pilot's license for good.

Pirates at the mall.

"It's my helper trout!"

Tattoos sagging with time

'The best part is being able to fly without taking off your shoes.'

"RAF Recruitment Waiting Room."

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, and this is your captain siiinnngiiinnng."

'My husband, Bill, works at the airport - I still haven't opened my birthday presents from three years ago.'

Cow Pilot.

"Welcome to Trapeze Talent Inc. If you'd like us to catch you, fill out this form, and we'll get back to you if we're interested."

Emergency Slide Height Limit.

"There is no air conditioning in the luggage compartment so stand up straight and stop licking your nose!"

'Here comes the in-flight meal.'

'We've got to stop him watching Robert Peston.'

'Hello, this is your captain speaking... I'm on the next flight!'

'Captain, a passenger says there's a gremlin out on the wing of the plane.'

'Catching lunch again Steward?'

'There can be such a thing as too much parental involvement.'

'For a little extra we can allocate you a seat inside the aircraft.'

"I always end up next to the weirdo!"

"A sad incident at LaGuardia Airport today as a depressed 757 landed and burst into tears."

"In the event of a water landing, your seat cushions may be used as flotation devices. And, your tray tables may be used to bash sharks."

'I always ask for a seat in the tail. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain...'

'Pss-st, Harley-Davidson is up one-and-a-quarter...pass it on.'

Airport Security. Sir, one of your tubs is empty. That one's got my dignity!

'I‘ll be relieved when they invent the aeroplane, these long trips are playing havoc with my wings'.

Baggage Reclaim

' ... and that's a policy giving you flight insurance covering mid-air bankruptcies.'

Birds talk about flying...we land in the Hudson all the time - no big deal.

'Did you Gack this suitcase yourself, sir?'

'Officer, I thought road signs were just mere suggestions.'