Plane Humorist Gifts

'Flight simulator'

'For a little extra we can allocate you a seat inside the aircraft.'

"Sorry, you're only allowed one carrion."

Santa knows he has to be more careful. One more accident due to pilot error, and the FAA would take away his pilot's license for good.

Vampire on a plane

"It's my helper trout!"

'The best part is being able to fly without taking off your shoes.'

"RAF Recruitment Waiting Room."

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

Emergency Slide Height Limit.

"Welcome to Trapeze Talent Inc. If you'd like us to catch you, fill out this form, and we'll get back to you if we're interested."

Cow Pilot.

'My husband, Bill, works at the airport - I still haven't opened my birthday presents from three years ago.'

"There is no air conditioning in the luggage compartment so stand up straight and stop licking your nose!"

'Hello, this is your captain speaking... I'm on the next flight!'

'Here comes the in-flight meal.'

"Flight time is approximately 3 seconds and - I won't lie to you folks - it's a bit choppy up there."

'Catching lunch again Steward?'

'Captain, a passenger says there's a gremlin out on the wing of the plane.'

Two birds refuel.

"I always end up next to the weirdo!"

"In the event of a water landing, your seat cushions may be used as flotation devices. And, your tray tables may be used to bash sharks."

"A sad incident at LaGuardia Airport today as a depressed 757 landed and burst into tears."

Baggage Reclaim

"Please remove your shoes, realize you forgot to wear socks, accept your fate, and make peace with your god."

'You shouldn't have forgotten the flag!'

' ... and that's a policy giving you flight insurance covering mid-air bankruptcies.'

'I‘ll be relieved when they invent the aeroplane, these long trips are playing havoc with my wings'.

'Sorry sir, the 'No Steak and Lobster Jokes' sign just came on.'

'I always ask for a seat in the tail. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain...'

Airport Security. Sir, one of your tubs is empty. That one's got my dignity!

Travel Law #135: Those with window seats are the last to arrive.' People climb over other passengers on an airplane.

Sometimes they need the oxygen mask after they see the new baggage fees.

Birds talk about flying...we land in the Hudson all the time - no big deal.

'Did you Gack this suitcase yourself, sir?'