Airline Humorist Gifts

'Hello, this is your captain speaking... I'm on the next flight!'

"In the unlikely event of a water landing, your seat cushion is also a whoopee cushion."

'Wait, what's that on runway one?...Ok I got it, just another one of those budget carriers.'

'We had to lop off part of the airline to cut costs.'

Emergency Slide Height Limit.

"It's my helper trout!"

'Oh great. Our luggage has been sent to Alpha Centauri.'

"Sorry, you're only allowed one carrion."

'Flight simulator'

Vampire on a plane

"Arr, we found your luggage, Captain."

Santa knows he has to be more careful. One more accident due to pilot error, and the FAA would take away his pilot's license for good.

'The best part is being able to fly without taking off your shoes.'

Fume Leaks on aeroplane - 'Perfume? Drinks? Air?'

"RAF Recruitment Waiting Room."

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

Cow Pilot.

'My husband, Bill, works at the airport - I still haven't opened my birthday presents from three years ago.'

"There is no air conditioning in the luggage compartment so stand up straight and stop licking your nose!"

'Here comes the in-flight meal.'

'We don't charge you any extra, but we will hate you,'

"You have luggage? - Oh, we don't do LUGGAGE any more."

A signaller directing pallbearers

'Captain, a passenger says there's a gremlin out on the wing of the plane.'

'Catching lunch again Steward?'

"Flight time is approximately 3 seconds and - I won't lie to you folks - it's a bit choppy up there."

Bob was headed on a long trip but had forgotten his suitcase. Luckily, the airport folks were one step ahead.

"I only have one suitcase, so what's the problem?"

'For a little extra we can allocate you a seat inside the aircraft.'

Two birds refuel.

"A sad incident at LaGuardia Airport today as a depressed 757 landed and burst into tears."

"I always end up next to the weirdo!"

"In the event of a water landing, your seat cushions may be used as flotation devices. And, your tray tables may be used to bash sharks."

Airport Security. Sir, one of your tubs is empty. That one's got my dignity!

"Please remove your shoes, realize you forgot to wear socks, accept your fate, and make peace with your god."