Humorist In Air Travel Gifts

Revealing Airport Security

'Oh great. Our luggage has been sent to Alpha Centauri.'

"Sorry, you're only allowed one carrion."

'Flight simulator'

Santa knows he has to be more careful. One more accident due to pilot error, and the FAA would take away his pilot's license for good.

Vampire on a plane

"It's my helper trout!"

"I'll put this device onto flight mode when you put this plane onto flight mode."

'The best part is being able to fly without taking off your shoes.'

"RAF Recruitment Waiting Room."

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

"O.K., you're good. Next!"

Cow Pilot.

'My husband, Bill, works at the airport - I still haven't opened my birthday presents from three years ago.'

Emergency Slide Height Limit.

"There is no air conditioning in the luggage compartment so stand up straight and stop licking your nose!"

'Here comes the in-flight meal.'

'Hello, this is your captain speaking... I'm on the next flight!'

'Catching lunch again Steward?'

"You have luggage? - Oh, we don't do LUGGAGE any more."

'Stealth broom.'

A signaller directing pallbearers

'Captain, a passenger says there's a gremlin out on the wing of the plane.'

"I only have one suitcase, so what's the problem?"

"Flight time is approximately 3 seconds and - I won't lie to you folks - it's a bit choppy up there."

"A sad incident at LaGuardia Airport today as a depressed 757 landed and burst into tears."

Two birds refuel.

'For a little extra we can allocate you a seat inside the aircraft.'

"I always end up next to the weirdo!"

"In the event of a water landing, your seat cushions may be used as flotation devices. And, your tray tables may be used to bash sharks."

' ... and that's a policy giving you flight insurance covering mid-air bankruptcies.'

Baggage Reclaim

Birds talk about flying...we land in the Hudson all the time - no big deal.

'Those new airport scanners can see through clothes!'

Airport Security. Sir, one of your tubs is empty. That one's got my dignity!