Cockpit Humorist Gifts

"Height and position? I'm six foot tall and in the pilot's seat."

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

'Flight simulator'

Your problems are all in your head, Al. This time you're wrong, doctor. I happen to be lying on my keys. The problem is not in my head. It's in my left buttock.

'The best part is being able to fly without taking off your shoes.'

'It's a Volksvegan...it runs on vegetable oil!'

"RAF Recruitment Waiting Room."

'Beware of SUV.'

"Look, there's even more buttons and stuff up there."

"There is no air conditioning in the luggage compartment so stand up straight and stop licking your nose!"

"I know it's a pie in the sky, Henshaw, but from a career perspective point of view we'll log it in as 'unidentified small aircraft'."

'Here comes the in-flight meal.'

'Captain, a passenger says there's a gremlin out on the wing of the plane.'

'Catching lunch again Steward?'

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

"Student driver"

"A sad incident at LaGuardia Airport today as a depressed 757 landed and burst into tears."

'For a little extra we can allocate you a seat inside the aircraft.'

"In the event of a water landing, your seat cushions may be used as flotation devices. And, your tray tables may be used to bash sharks."

"I always end up next to the weirdo!"

'If I were you, I'd leave the keys in the ignition and hope someone steals it.'

'I always ask for a seat in the tail. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain...'

' ... and that's a policy giving you flight insurance covering mid-air bankruptcies.'

No Hand Signals

Many clowns in rowboat

'I‘ll be relieved when they invent the aeroplane, these long trips are playing havoc with my wings'.

Birds talk about flying...we land in the Hudson all the time - no big deal.

Lucky car.

Australian Sat Nav - 'Straight on mate'.

'I went to wash the wheels on that European Airbus A380 by myself. I didn't know it had 22 wheels.'

'Your $5 gets your 3 minutes in the lavatory--now how much toilet paper would you like to purchase?'

The FS-2004 has a great new add-on!

"You think you're annoyed? The acoustics in here are terrible!"

'Why can't you ride under the dash like other airbags?'

Driver with a rear view mirror attached to his forehead.