Cockpit Comedian Gifts

'Sorry about the screaming during that air pocket, back there.'

"Bigelow, let's try and set this thing down just once without saying 'Oopsy-daisy.' "

"I know it's a pie in the sky, Henshaw, but from a career perspective point of view we'll log it in as 'unidentified small aircraft'."

"As you'd expect, the control panel of a modern passenger jet is very complex."

"Ladies and gentlemen, there will be a slight delay before departure while we determine which button does exactly what."

"Look, there's even more buttons and stuff up there."

'This is the pilot. If you look to the left you'll see London, look to the right France - inside the cockpit the co-pilot's underpants.'

"But you can't work remote, you're a pilot."

"I've just barbecued my head again."

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

It's only firing on 87 cylinders!

Hardware and software

Lady to angler whose line is snagged: 'You would manage to get your line caught in the one tree in this entire massive lake.'

"Arthur, the bird's gone and done it again."

Moses comes to Los Angeles.

"This is Siri. No, you're not there yet!"

'That's a full ten minutes with the TV off. What now?'

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

Tech Corp: Personnel Openings - We've reached our quota of nerds, but we are looking to hire geeks.

"Is it my imagination, or does our use of correction fluid increase as people's teeth get whiter?"

"I am a control freak."

"It's garage music."

"We live in the desert. What did you think I meant when I said it'd be a nice day to go boating?"

...she found out that the basque he'd bought wasn't for her.

"It's Olive isn't it?"

"Student driver"

"I only surf the web for the Java and cookies."

Riding instructor waits to fish a child out of jumping obstacle.

"Your new car won't start? Oh, well, umm…that's just the car's Collision Avoidance System kicking in. It doesn't want you to hit anything today."

"You know I always sit there for my keep fit programme!"

"I've seen this film ten times and it's still awful."

"Some people call me a ball-buster, but I prefer cojones-crusher."

"I want you to be open and honest and to not leave any hair on the couch."

"Why can't you just bat the ball of yarn around like other cats?"

WARNING - This Programme Contains No Strong Language.....