Philosophical Jester Gifts

'Today's retribution level is LOW.'

'My reading comprehension is so-so, but I do make up for it with my highlighting skills.'

'I ace 'wheeling' but I flunked 'dealing'' - Boy on leaving Business Administration.

Professor Wiles grows insufferable.

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

"Philosophy Department. Why may I direct your call?"

Books / Coffee table books

"Ever wondered about the development of mankind if, just before the big bang, a voice said 'Oops!'"

"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."

"At first, I was teaching Job a lesson, but now I'm just messing with him."

'Fear of getting caught is understandable but fear of water, I think, requires counselling.'

"But seriously do you think my eclectic knowledge of the history of the development of the claw hammer makes me more of a sex magnet?"

'In this next precedent, an attorney lost his frivolous lawsuit complaint and his opponent then filed a frivolous 'frivolous lawsuit' lawsuit.'

"'Article I. Section 9. Claus B. No title of nobility shall be granted by the United States' - we gotta change that."

"Gracie, don't worry so much about your big test... You know, when I was your age, I didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'. Until I looked it up."

I am one with stupid.

"I'd like an application form for the position of minister, please!"

Munich Security Conference

Man Tries Use Telescope In Observatory As Cannon.

'My client asserts that walking on land was his idea and he therefore claims 50% of all subsequent profits.'

'Houston, you're not going to believe this...'

"He's a super-calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis."

To sleep, perchance to wake up as a different person.

"Yuck! Som'one left their nose in this book!"

'Honey, do you want to watch Dancing With the Stars, or the news showing Congress dancing all around the tough issues?'

"The Real Reason For Global Warming."

Mama Z'Belle...astrologer...your fortune based on the science of astronomy: 'Oh, oh it looks like your chart has shifted red...'

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

Poet's Corner

'Maybe the Universe isn't expanding -- maybe it's just you.'

Donald Trump's Flying Circus

Watch the author miss his deadline 4 to 7

"How would I know what 'the meaning of life' is...? I was hoping you were mountain rescue!"

"Last dunk and then we need to do work."

'My teacher says if I made bad grades, I'm spending too much time in front of the TV. I say if I made good grades, I'm spending too much time at school.'