Pet Food Critic Gifts

'Sir, we have a complaining customer!'

Dogs stealing cat food - Vice Squad orders 'Stay!'

'...and now WOOF DOG FOOD is available in FIVE new flavors; beef, cheese, chicken, pork and cat!"

Dog about food: 'I never realized it before, but this stuff tastes like crap.'

"They can put dogs in space, but they can't make decent tasting dog food."

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

'You do a passable Jerry Lewis, but your Frank Sinatra stinks.'

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

Dog Dressed to Eat

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Oh come on! I can't be that bad!'

'My owner is feeding me way too much organic food.'

"Is that all they taught him at obedience school? How to use a can opener?"

'Try the steak tartare...it's okay.'

"Alright, alright! I'll stop buying the cheap stuff, OK?"

"Look out, Luke Grasswalker! Irascibility leads to the dark side of the force. . . right into a hamburger bun."

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'Come on, eat your spinach.' -' Sorry, I'm on a special diet...No toxic waste.'

'Mutt is very insulting and definitely politically incorrect, but where do I find an animal rights attorney at this hour of the night?'

"Everywhere you look, there's a rate hike."

Four Star Meal

-'God that looks disgusting.' -'You're telling me.'

"So, what's it to be, chicken unfit for human consumption, or beef unfit for human consumption?"

Free range cat food - mice running around the store.

"Last chance — where’s the wet food?"

'Bananas! Once you've skinned them and removed the bone, there's nothing left.'

"The Garlic Escargot Velouté...would you like that in the traditional tureen, or supersized in a bucket?"

"Who gets the Chateaubriand with the mail-in rebate?"

'You're lucky you can't read.'

'You're too fussy - the coffee isn't THAT bad!'

'I don't care if top breeders do recommend it - I am not going to eat dog food!'

Maybe you would have less of a problem with flies in your soup if you didn't have landing strips attached to your bowls.

Fresh Fish

'If only you would let me cover this Tofu-vegetables stuff with ketchup, it would at least LOOK like real food...'

"It's the first edition of 'How dogs know what their owners are bringing home for dinner'."