Pearly Gates Philosopher Gifts

"Unfortunately, a few years back we had to start accepting advertising."

'We don't seem to have any record of your contributions -- you must have made them to the wrong church.'

"Let me get this straight. This is the place of eternal happiness, but all the rock stars and hookers are down there?"

'So I cooked the books. Haven't you ever made a mistake?'

"We can't Sunday. We've been invited to 'you know who's' skybox."

"Your mom needs to know that you made it here OK, and your dad wants to know if you could use a few bucks."

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

Power/Expenditures

St Peter: 'The bike can stay. You, on the other hand, aren't on the list.'

'You're out of '50 Great Years of Mindless Consumerism?' How about 'Celebrating America's Shopping Malls?' That one, too?'

"I dreamed last night that I was furious at you for charging me for missing last week's session. What do you think it means?"

My definition of 'quality time?'...charging $500 per hour.

Holiday Shopping for Guys

'Well, I don't know anything about 'identity theft'. All I can tell you, is that according to these records you're already here.'

"Oh look Harold, a flower shop!"

Heavenly Take Out

U. S. POST OFFICE, ''Fragile'? Yeah, yeah, pal -- they're all fragile.'

'I hear your fees are very reasonable.'

"All it says is 'DON'T WALK.' When you think about it, that still leaves a world of possibilities, Baby!"

Ted gets nabbed driving under the influence of Leo Buscaglia.

"I forgot to call in dead."

But if you make his pearls for him, he'll never learn to make them himself.

'He says he's looking for an honest man -- should I book him on suspicion?'

Things to do in the area.

'Eight hundred million channels and there's still nothing good on!'

Steve Spermatozoa, dead at 35 from terminal horniness.

That's okay --- Nobody would get in if we included cheating on diets.

'Sudden death?'

Shower before entering heaven.

"Hmmmmm ... I don't see you on our 'friends' list ... "

"Did you make an appointment?"

"So what's his story?"

"I loved my job. That's gotta count for something."

'Deposit $1.00 - This is your final notice before we send it to a collection agency.'

"Certainly you're qualified, .… we're just trying to achieve a certain dynamic."