Pearly Gates Philosopher Pillows

"Unfortunately, a few years back we had to start accepting advertising."

'We don't seem to have any record of your contributions -- you must have made them to the wrong church.'

"Let me get this straight. This is the place of eternal happiness, but all the rock stars and hookers are down there?"

'So I cooked the books. Haven't you ever made a mistake?'

"We can't Sunday. We've been invited to 'you know who's' skybox."

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

Power/Expenditures

St Peter: 'The bike can stay. You, on the other hand, aren't on the list.'

'You're out of '50 Great Years of Mindless Consumerism?' How about 'Celebrating America's Shopping Malls?' That one, too?'

"I dreamed last night that I was furious at you for charging me for missing last week's session. What do you think it means?"

My definition of 'quality time?'...charging $500 per hour.

'Well, I don't know anything about 'identity theft'. All I can tell you, is that according to these records you're already here.'

"Oh look Harold, a flower shop!"

"All it says is 'DON'T WALK.' When you think about it, that still leaves a world of possibilities, Baby!"

U. S. POST OFFICE, ''Fragile'? Yeah, yeah, pal -- they're all fragile.'

'I hear your fees are very reasonable.'

"I forgot to call in dead."

'He says he's looking for an honest man -- should I book him on suspicion?'

Steve Spermatozoa, dead at 35 from terminal horniness.

Shower before entering heaven.

'Sudden death?'

'Eight hundred million channels and there's still nothing good on!'

"Did you make an appointment?"

"Hmmmmm ... I don't see you on our 'friends' list ... "

"So what's his story?"

"I loved my job. That's gotta count for something."

"Certainly you're qualified, .… we're just trying to achieve a certain dynamic."

Attorney basic fees.

'Deposit $1.00 - This is your final notice before we send it to a collection agency.'

"Our high fees are based on a longstanding reputation for charging high fees."

'Congratulations - here's your black ball, you've been appointed to the membership committee,'

'Perk up. Just think of all that interest piling up at more than 5% per annum.'