Pearly Gates Critic Gifts

'Eight hundred million channels and there's still nothing good on!'

"We can't Sunday. We've been invited to 'you know who's' skybox."

Preliminary Price Tag: $5,000,000,000

Anderson Cooper as a Kid. Today, an expose that asks the question: Who IS Simon, and why must we do what he says?

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

Wall Street lights the American Dream on fire while citizens try to burn Wall Street.

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

St Peter: 'The bike can stay. You, on the other hand, aren't on the list.'

Fired Big Shots Who's Who.

'Well, I don't know anything about 'identity theft'. All I can tell you, is that according to these records you're already here.'

Heavenly Take Out

"You forgot his tail."

'Real Sex is consensual non-cyber + includes conversation.'

"I forgot to call in dead."

"Our house wine is abominable."

Two kids caught playing dots & boxes on a Damien Hirst painting, spelling the word 'so-so'.

"I'm afraid we don't accept bribes here, sir."

Things to do in the area.

Who's really behind all one-star national parks reviews.

"It was all we could afford in the end."

Shower before entering heaven.

"A sizable gratuity always helps."

Steve Spermatozoa, dead at 35 from terminal horniness.

That's okay --- Nobody would get in if we included cheating on diets.

"Well. . . I guess there will be no offspring, but at least I will save on the tuition fees."

"Certainly you're qualified, .… we're just trying to achieve a certain dynamic."

"I loved my job. That's gotta count for something."

"Unfortunately, a few years back we had to start accepting advertising."

"We're offering a free rubber bust of Roy Hodgson you can throw at the telly if it goes to penalties.'

'Congratulations - here's your black ball, you've been appointed to the membership committee,'

'Even if you were always Mother's little angel, I still have to look it up.'

"This isn't exactly what I expected when I asked Sam's Travel, Inc. to send me to paradise."

Trump's Other Wall

"Let me get this straight. This is the place of eternal happiness, but all the rock stars and hookers are down there?"

"Private property." "Warning. We don’t forgive those who trespass against us."