Payroll Gifts

'Stare at it all you want sir, but I can assure you, no one is going to jump out and yell 'April Fools.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

'They were two payroll cowboys riding together.'

'Salaries Manager. No.'

I'm not making enough money to like you.

'How did the 'I want you all to take a pay cut or leave' strategy go down?'

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

Check zombies.

"If CEO pay packets aren't a problem, why doesn't everyone get one?"

'Money is a bit tight at the moment, so instead of cash we wondered whether you'd settle for 20% more meaningless protestations of how much we value you?'

'Yes,we have equal pay in that we are grossly underpaid, all of us.'

"I never said they were well-compensated. I just said they were paid handsomely."

"You're in luck...I've unearthed those payroll records from 3 years ago."

'Are you the genius who came up with the 'Alternative Payment' program?'

Human Resources Dept: Full time/part time/over time/time and a half/time out.

"To be honest the culture sucks, but the pay is amazing."

'I've figured out a way to lower your income tax...give you less income.'

"Here's your paycheck. I hope we'll both find it amusing."

'I take it you're looking to some extra hours!'

'I had every intention of giving you your pay check, Ken, but the payroll computer has decided you don't deserve it.'

'Nothing this week †between your pay and your deductions, you broke even.'

'Oh, that's a deduction to pay for management perks.'

'No raise, but we can make your desk and chair one-inch taller.'

'My pay envelope is empty.' - 'Your deductions equal your salary'

'Thanks for not asking for a rise.'

Bureau of Missing Persons, "He works flextime and we have direct deposit, so it took me a few months to notice he was gone."

Payroll Dept. My economic anxiety has less to do with the weak dollar than the week's dollars! (Published originally on March 14, 2008.)

'Your heart's not in the job - admit you're only doing it for the money!'

'You can't cash your paychecks until your 6 month probation is satisfactorily over.'

PAYMASTER, 'Just to be on the safe side, we withheld EVERYTHING this week.'

PAYMASTER, 'Just to be on the safe side, we withheld EVERYTHING this week.'

'I don't know what to do about my check - grief or anger counseling.'

'I'm prepared to pay you a living wage. Of course, what kind of a living you get out of it is entirely up to you.'

'We've been trying to ease out Old Stoney as Payroll Coordinator.'

'The only thing keeping me from being successful is not having a salary.'