Paycheck Ponderer Gifts

'Stare at it all you want sir, but I can assure you, no one is going to jump out and yell 'April Fools.'

"Here's your paycheck. I hope we'll both find it amusing."

'I've figured out a way to lower your income tax...give you less income.'

"We earn more every couple of days than Willie Mays ever got for a full season. Are we overpaid, or what?"

'My take home pay won't even take me home.'

'To be honest, I did expect a better bonus this year.'

'No raise, but we can make your desk and chair one-inch taller.'

'I've been up here almost a month now -- when do we get paid?'

'Doc, when I had a look at my salary statement, I got a motivation leak'!

' I earn a six-figure income, if you count those two little numbers after the decimal point.'

"The good news is that you get a one-month retroactive raise. The bad news is that you are fired."

"My take home pay must have gone to someone else's house."

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

'I vote we hang the darn thing upside down and go home!'

'Can he call you back? He's taking time to stop and smell the profits.'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"What a tragedy... he still had two years of his super left..."

'Ladies and gents, the executive-worker pay ratio is not what it used to be!'

"As you can see, sales have been a little erratic lately..."

'The economy being what it is, we've had to make a few changes in your retirement plan. . .'

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"At least we are consistently inconsistent."

'Perkins, you really know to suck the joy out of a 3rd quarter report.'

"People are looking for stability in pension arrangements..."

"Apparently over 50% of people never look at their pension plans!"

Annual Stockholders' Meeting: Take some tissues.

"You never actually own a pension pot - you merely look after it for the next government."

'Maybe we need new profit charts?'

"If we take a late retirement and an early death, we'll just squeak by."

"We could try 'gravity' as an excuse."

"Profits. Good thing or the greatest thing?"

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

"It drives me MAD when people whine about the amount top management get paid. . ."

'This isn't a non-profit-making organization you know! Or at least, it wasn't until you started working here!'