Parenting Skeptic Gifts

"It's not the captivity – I'm just not sure if I'm ready to have kids."

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

Coronavirus Impact on Children

'I'm sorry I missed your recital. Daddy was on the phone with his broker, checking on bond yields. It's another form of bonding, son.'

"You're welcome."

"I don't know...sometimes I think I don't spend enough time with them. What kind of role model am I?"

Open House of Horrors

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

"Never Again." (bird sitting on a giant egg).

"What's an imagination? It was something kids used to enjoy before they invented video games."

"If your dad is truly the King of the Jungle, why can't you ask him to abolish school?"

"I never had to choose between a baby and a career—I'm a surrogate mother."

"Life is beautiful, and it's messy."

"Not until you've arranged your pillows."

"We're planning on sending him away to be reared by experts."

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

'You will meet a sexy, honest fortune teller who will take all your money!'

"In the future, son, everyone will be an attorney for fifteen minutes."

'I don't believe in pressuring my children. When the time is right, they'll arrive at the default choice and go to law school.'

'You're FLUNKING me? - Doesn't SENIORITY count for anything around here?'

'Can I help it if she's a rotten teacher?'

"I don't see how pulling out a piece of fruit from a pie necessarily validates Jack Horner's self-worth."

Children should be seen and not heard. We're decorative.

"If you get to be a stay-at-home dad, why can't I be a stay-at-home daughter?"

"Oh, it's just more white-male stuff."

'No my husband wasn't there for the birth and I was only there 'cos I had to be!'

'Who should be contacted in case of an accident? Why, 911, of course. And these people are going to be teaching my children.'

Library. Story Hour. This fact-checking site says no cow has ever jumped over the moon.

Baby talk 101 - Whaaaaa! 'This is a good one. It means, 'Until my every need is met, your life will be hell'.'

Baby thinks: I smile, they smile. I laugh, they laugh. I think they're teachable!

"What's the point of school? We can just look all this stuff up on wikipedia."

'Now there's a novel idea - babysitting your own children.'

'According to my Dad, bosses are just like headmasters. The only difference is that they give you money every month.'

"I used to be a stay-at-home dad. It was great until I had kids."

'Sweet dreams buddy!'