Adulting Skeptic Gifts

'I've had raging hormones for the last 80 years.'

'Pardon me, Miss - My therapist told me I should let my inner child out to play, so of course I'll be needing a sister...'

Science Museum. Why are you skeptical about the things scientists say? Because they claim the universe is expanding but when I visited my childhood hometown, everything was smaller.

Open House of Horrors

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

'You will meet a sexy, honest fortune teller who will take all your money!'

Library. Story Hour. This fact-checking site says no cow has ever jumped over the moon.

Atheist Convention: 'I don't believe it!'

"As far as I can tell, meditation is just worrying minus the content."

'So help me, which god?'

"Enjoy my first day at school? You mean there'll be others?"

"What do you want to be when you give up?"

"Please cut and paste these prayers to an other gods up there....just in case I've been following the wrong one."

"We also stock non-alcoholic wine" "Why?"

'Oh my god!'

A person is reading another person's thoughts.

"Spaghetti made from squash? Sounds like fake news."

"Yes, I've read the bible. I've also read 'Harry Potter', but I don't believe in wizards."

"Oh, great—here comes that crazy #@!*%! Jeff who won't shut up about conspiracy theories. How's my hair look?"

Oh, The Putzing You'll Do

They all have to get down the slide in 2.7 seconds or we lose our funding. In schools soon: The recess aptitude test.

"Our integrated approach to medicine skillfully combines an array of holistic alternative treatments with a sophisticated computerized billing service."

'Lincoln Standardized Test Center - formerly Lincoln High School'

'You don't really want to go to this party, do you?'

"I wonder if we'll still have to eat kale this summer."

"My religion makes sense if you want it to."

"We didn't learn anything today. We had to unlearn what the substitute taught us yesterday."

"It's not the captivity – I'm just not sure if I'm ready to have kids."

"First, I'll need to see an audited statement of revenue and expenses."

'I can't believe you think that hypnotist was for real.'

'I was skeptical at first, but it really works.'

"Of course I believe in God. He's as real as Santa."

"How do I leave the house again? Is it keys then shoes then socks?"