Parenting Skeptic Pillows

"It's not the captivity – I'm just not sure if I'm ready to have kids."

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

Coronavirus Impact on Children

'I'm sorry I missed your recital. Daddy was on the phone with his broker, checking on bond yields. It's another form of bonding, son.'

"You're welcome."

"I don't know...sometimes I think I don't spend enough time with them. What kind of role model am I?"

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

Open House of Horrors

"Never Again." (bird sitting on a giant egg).

"What's an imagination? It was something kids used to enjoy before they invented video games."

"I never had to choose between a baby and a career—I'm a surrogate mother."

"Life is beautiful, and it's messy."

"If your dad is truly the King of the Jungle, why can't you ask him to abolish school?"

"Not until you've arranged your pillows."

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

"In the future, son, everyone will be an attorney for fifteen minutes."

'You will meet a sexy, honest fortune teller who will take all your money!'

"We're planning on sending him away to be reared by experts."

'I don't believe in pressuring my children. When the time is right, they'll arrive at the default choice and go to law school.'

'You're FLUNKING me? - Doesn't SENIORITY count for anything around here?'

'Can I help it if she's a rotten teacher?'

"I don't see how pulling out a piece of fruit from a pie necessarily validates Jack Horner's self-worth."

"If you get to be a stay-at-home dad, why can't I be a stay-at-home daughter?"

Children should be seen and not heard. We're decorative.

'Who should be contacted in case of an accident? Why, 911, of course. And these people are going to be teaching my children.'

"Oh, it's just more white-male stuff."

'No my husband wasn't there for the birth and I was only there 'cos I had to be!'

Baby talk 101 - Whaaaaa! 'This is a good one. It means, 'Until my every need is met, your life will be hell'.'

"What's the point of school? We can just look all this stuff up on wikipedia."

"So, what are you doing for the rest of your life?..."

'Now there's a novel idea - babysitting your own children.'

"Personally, this child would love to be 'left behind.'"

'According to my Dad, bosses are just like headmasters. The only difference is that they give you money every month.'

Baby thinks: I smile, they smile. I laugh, they laugh. I think they're teachable!

"I used to be a stay-at-home dad. It was great until I had kids."