Parenting Connoisseur Gifts

'Before you return Principal Harris's phone call, I would like to remind you that having a 'living' dependant is an excellent tax deduction.'

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'The child is very illogical'

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

Suffering from Cooties?

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

Growth Charts

I love my family!

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

'Son, I want you to get out there and play like I've never played before.'

Sigh … They grow up so fast, don't they?

Toddler Feeding Solutions

Early childhood development

Crying baby

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

'Look, dear. Her first opinion.'

7 Dwarves of Fatherhood

Lemming mothers

'It wouldn't be right if I did your homework for you!' 'At least you could try!'

"Sure, helicopter parenting is bad but drone parenting is way worse."

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."

"Anything interesting happen over the weekend, Frank?"

"Sweet dreams my little tax break."

"My first Father's day!"

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

"We've gone old fashioned and decided against finding out the sex of my obstetrician."

'It's a book, Sweetie - it doesn't have any ram!'

'Then, after a while, the pitter patter of tiny running shoes.'

Honey, I'm home. Did you change Kyle's diaper?

'What are you in for?'